Jasbina Ahluwalia
is an Indian-American attorney turned entrepreneur, Relationship Expert, Radio Show Host and Matchmaker / Dating
Coach. She is the Founder / President of Intersections Match, the only Elite
Personalized Matchmaking & Dating Coaching Firm in the
country serving Selective Singles of South Asian descent Nationwide in the U.S. Jasbina is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a
monthly holistic lifestyle show featuring conversations with published authors/experts on relationships and health and wellness. For more
information, please visit
www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Feel free to submit a Question to be considered for this
column to Jasbina
directly at Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.
For Advertising call 404-246-3256 or email desiexpress@ymail.com
My husband and I generally get
along well. However, when we
return from work, he chooses
to read the paper instead of
interacting with me.
So I’ve started making
plans to go out with girlfriends
most weeknights after work.
We trust each other completely,
and it’s his choice to read,
so I can’t figure out why he
pouts after learning
of my plans.
by Jasbina Ahluwalia
Given the variety of conversations I have with men and women of
different ages and backgrounds regarding their thoughts, feelings, and
expectations with respect to relationships, as well as my research into
the ideas of published authors and experts in the field, I tend to come
across patterns.
One pattern, in particular, may be at play with respect to the issue
described in your question. This pattern is discussed by authors/
therapists Patricia Love and Steven Stosny in their insightful book How
To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. A qualifier: All
men are not identical in their thinking (just as all women are, likewise,
not identical), and there are certainly exceptions to gender-based
That said, what may be at play here is a difference in how husbands and
wives view security in a spousal relationship. Many husbands tend to
view their marriage as a secure base in which to relax and recharge their
batteries (as opposed to feeling the need to interact) while sharing the
same space as their wives. In other words, the comfort of merely
sharing the same space with his wife, without any compulsion to
interact directly, is oftentimes relaxing and sufficient in and of itself.
Wives, on the other hand, tend to feel secure as a result of directly inter-
acting with their husbands. Wives tend to relax through the emotional
connections they feel while interacting with their husbands.
So, when your husband chooses to read
in the evenings instead of
directly interacting, perhaps you start to feel a lack of connection which
drives you to make plans to connect with your girlfriends instead. When
you find it preferable to engage in lively social interaction with
your girlfriends rather than stay home, your husband's disapproval is
understandable, if not justified; it reflects his loss of comfort in not
having your presence, even if a passive one, by his side.
Given that you and your husband generally get along quite well, why
not brainstorm ways around this issue together? Recognizing this
difference in how the two of you define security and comfort may fuel
compromises that meet both of your needs.